The lady in front of me is wearing a pair of bright, fluorescent pink yoga shorts. They cup her beautiful behind, soaked with sweat and acting as twin globes of neon, mocking me as I simultaneously contemplate suicide and murder through my first lesson of Bikram Yoga.
That was three weeks ago.
If you don't know about Bikram yoga, it's basically a class where you are directed through 26 yoga postures in a heated studio, around 40C, and try not die. I'll be honest, I went to Bikram Yoga as a buddy to my friend. I would have never gone if she didn't ask me to try out the one month trial ($39) at my local studio, opened by Bikram Yoga Perth.
They have two studios, so if you are interested in trying out Bikram yoga in Perth, check it at the link above. It's one of the cheapest around Perth ($25 a week) with some of the most well-trained (and good-looking) yoga instructors around.
If you are reading this right now, and think that this is a blog entry about how Bikram yoga changed my life and made me a calmer, more peaceful person who is now more capable of posing as a human pretzel while baking a raw vegan cheesecake, you're wrong.
I weigh 200pounds, standing at 5'5, with a horrible right ankle, a previous tailbone injury, a long history of migraines and a stamina that would make a snail look good. I was, and perhaps still remain convinced that I am not the right candidate for 26 postures in 90 minutes of sweating it out in a heated studio. Still I persevered, having already paid my fee for a one month trial - pushing myself to do at least three lessons in a week.
I have now been doing Bikram yoga on my third week and eighth lesson. I still occasionally contemplate murder and suicide as I find myself standing on one leg while twisting my other into my groin and placing my sticky, shaking palms together in a prayer formation. I still sweat so much that I have to basically wring my singlet out after every class, and I still walk into every class with a sense of impending doom as I smile wanly at every week's different yoga instructor. I still avoid eye contact as we go from position to position, and get distracted when I see another pair of neon shorts planted in front of my mat, attached to yet another svelte figure.
As a person with little self-discipline when it comes to the issue of exercise, my usual gym-time now pales in comparison to the effort I put into my yoga lessons. I also should note, that I have not had a single migraine or headache since the one I had after my first class, and my back no longer creaks when I wake up everyday. My motto regarding Bikram yoga is to not take a break, do the next lesson within 48 hours and to never, ever leave the lesson partway. So far so good.
I still have 15 days left to complete my trial, and so far I still don't feel more zen, or calmer. What I do have, is every time I leave a class - absolutely wrecked and dripping sweat all over the studio's cool, clean wooden floors, I feel disgustingly, unnaturally proud of myself, muttering 'Namaste, mothereffers' to myself.
One day maybe I will be the one wearing the distracting neon shorts.
Bikram Yoga Perth:
158a Vincent Street
248 Leach Hwy